Everything Happens for a Reason
November 21, 2016
I’m going to go way back, around April 21st, 2016 when I decided to step onto recovery road and the journey of DSTYC. When I think back now, I can vividly remember the life I had before stepping through those front doors. I was homeless, selfish and afraid. I was addicted to drugs, to boys, to the lifestyle. The games that played over and over every day for three years. I lost myself, my good friends and most of all, my family. It breaks me to think about how much I needed that feeling, that feeling of excitement, adrenaline, pressure, numbness and the pure bliss of feeling on top of the world.
This so called Drug of Choice, which before Dave Smith, I would refer to as my first love, my best friend, my partner in crime. Now, when I think of it, I never chose this drug. It chose me.
To some people, it’s just nothing… that this chemical creation couldn’t ruin my life. No not mine. However, it did, and it’s still destroying the lives of others.
I hit my rock bottom; I decided that I needed to choose self respect, that I needed my life back. The life I lost within the blink of an eye. It didn’t sink in to me the first time at DSTYC. It didn’t sink in until maybe about a month into treatment. I started realizing a lot of things. How I tried to push my issues away or simply wanting the easy way out of my trauma. I went to group, and tried my best to fit in. Things were okay, until I somehow became very down. I started questioning where I belonged, where I should be, and what I deserved. I kept replaying in my mind, “Why me?”
This played into my housing, tough topic that really played with my heart because of my relationship with my parents. Maybe I wasn’t ready to move on from my old ways. I was indeed planning to relapse altogether, because as my home visit came, so did my D.O.C. We reunited not even 20 minutes into my home visit. It happened, and I F@*#ed everything up, once again.
My mom drove me back to DSYTC the next day. At that point, though, I was already in too deep. I thought the next thing down wouldn’t matter if it wasn’t my D.O.C. that I brought back with me to DSTYC. My first hour back in the house, after my very short lived home visit, I decided to pop the substance in my bathroom. After that, I knew my addiction had taken over again. Drowning, seeking either attention or support; suffering, which lead me to almost bringing a couple of my peers with me. I offered but got declined. I suddenly got a smack of reality, right in the face, replaying in my head the pure irony of the situation. How could I not only F@*# up my recovery, but also try and bring them into the depths too?
I was disappointed, and confessed what I did to the staff. That night, I got discharged.
The next two months were even worse; I was in and out of hospitals, shelters, group homes, drug dens and ‘trap’ houses. Everything I had worked on in those two months came crashing way down, and brought me down with it. I started doing things I never thought would happen. I woke up one day and had had enough. I showed up at my mom’s house, dirty and helpless. I asked for forgiveness and help; we ended up calling Sue and within a week of detoxing and feeling empty, I stepped through those doors for the second time … within less than five painful months.
This time, I felt different. I felt like I had a better outlook on these upcoming three months. I promised myself there was no more f@#*ing around! I needed to close those deathful doors and open new ones! I needed to remind myself that in order for this to work, I had to put in the work; I had to really want this process to change me, to change my life.
The first couple of weeks, I felt motivated; but I also thought that someone or something died. I truly believed that it would have been my ever lasting loyalty to my drug of choice. I soon came to realise that I had to fight my addiction, my addictive personality.
DSYTC helped me learn new and better ways to cope, to heal, to breathe, to practice and to achieve what I had thought a few months before would be impossible. I started to fully understand the happiness of a rewarding, non-using lifestyle. Throughout my time at DSYTC I’ve worked so hard and have asked over and over again for extra clinical work or feed back on how I can strive for growth and more knowledge. I made really close friends that I could trust and had faith to continue a non-using lifestyle the way I wanted. I delayed my home visit for 3 weeks so that I knew I was 100% ready.
It went really well. I spent time with my little siblings who grew up before my eyes and who desperately wanted their big sister back.
I decided to meet up with some girls who had finished the program and wanted to do some pro-social activities. I didn’t happen. One of them was high. My mom and I picked her up. It was very heart breaking to be put in that situation, but also a learning experience. I was not disappointed that she used but felt bad because I knew how much she wanted to stay sober. It was very high risk and I was thankful to have my mom’s support.
I came back worried sick, thinking that this is what all parents and loved ones go through when we are suffering. Writing this now, I’ve only got one week left and I’m proud that my second time around I stayed sober on my home visit. I’m planning to communicate with my awesome ACC, hoping to go back to school and get a part time job. I will always think about how far I’ve come and remind myself where I still want to go.
My advice to whom ever may be reading this is that addiction and mental health is a constant battle within yourself but worth fighting .When in treatment you’re not there to make friends, focus on yourself 100% of the time till the end, because in this life, battling this disease, some people may never understand or be there for you.
You have to want bigger and better days. This program and the staff members have touched my heart and held my hand throughout the good and bad days. DSYTC staff put their jobs first and 100% effort towards pushing us harder and making sure our needs are met. Everyone one of them inspires me with how sympathetic and motivating they are, and it makes me want to keep going. I will never be able to put into words how thankful I am for them. Also for giving me a second chance a lot of people don’t get!
I hope my story gives inspiration and hope, because anyone can do ANYTHING they put their mind to. Ladies and gents, don’t think about tomorrow or a week from now or two, three, four months or years. Focus on TODAY and how you can succeed and live a sober lifestyle. Think about how you can become a better person and, as cheesy as this sounds, everything happens for a reason, so make it count! I wish you all the best.
Dave Smith Carp Residential Client