No Feeling is Final

No Feeling is Final

June 30, 2017

The past two years or so have been messy with my poor communication and social skills. Around the age of 13, my addiction to poison and my habit to a dangerous lifestyle took over me, my ability to laugh, love, feel emotions, share myself, understand the emotions of my loved ones and many other things. My schooling went to S#!*, my relationships went to S#!*, I went to S#!*. I lost faith in myself which made me lose faith in everything else. I did not have any remorse because of the toxic spell I was under from the things I was doing to myself. Words will never be able to explain how sorry I am for what I have put everyone through who genuinely cared about my health and well being.

Communication was one of the things I wanted to work on improving during my recovery process. I put in a lot of work challenging the negative thoughts I had about relationships with family and close friends and how I was going to improve it with healthy communication, which has significantly gotten better thanks to the amazing boost in self confidence I had, the staff that helped me incredibly and provided me with various skills and role-played them with me on a daily basis. I was also given the chance for family sessions where I was able to have guided discussions with my mom, using the steps of ACRA (Adolescent Community Reinforcement Approach). Seeing my loved ones put in the work to reassure me that I wasn’t alone on making a leap towards healthy communication and fixing relationships that got lost throughout the years of me using, which I greatly appreciate. I am aware that my transition into a teenager and a young adult is one of the hardest times for me and the people around me, especially my mother who has tried her hardest to get to know a scared, vulnerable, angry, girl for the past year, is extremely difficult.

For the longest time I would never admit that I had a problem with drugs. Even though deep down everyday was an ongoing struggle with myself mentally and physically, wondering if I would wake up the next day, trying to figure out if I wanted to wake up the next day, scared about why I was even thinking about taking my own life. Having screaming matches with myself in my head that I was never able to referee. I felt lost, ten feet under, like I was constantly walking a thin line, half asleep. Battling substance abuse issues and struggles with my mental health has been a daily battle but improves with every breath I take and every decision I make to take back my power. I can finally say I am satisfied with myself and the emotional, mental state I am in, which is something I thought I would never be able to say. Everyday I face the chance of relapse or a ‘slip’, but out of many of the things I have learned here is that you can always pick yourself back up from a slip, which helps me challenge the negative and destructive thoughts that used to flood my brain a lot more frequently than they do now.

Before treatment I was full of anger and self doubt. I focused in on destructive thoughts which would set my day back, multiple times daily. I can now say proudly that I am intelligent, artistic, well articulated, kindhearted, assertive, and beautiful inside and out. Repeating positive thoughts to myself everyday for three months has been one of the biggest struggles for me because I simply did not believe them, but as my body got healthier and my mind became more clear, it became easier. My self confidence level and perception of things in life that matter and deserve my full attention, besides getting high, has come in leaps and bounds. Recovering from substance abuse issues, the healing process is different for everyone. Unlike a broken leg, you cannot put a cast on the wound and be given an approximate recovery time. Everyone has individual triggers and cues that come and go depending on people, places, and thoughts they associate using with. Triggers can come out of the blue which, personally is one of the biggest fears I face, not knowing when a trigger can occur and depending on my mental state, how I will deal with it. I would like to thank my two best friends who have showed me the true meaning of loyalty and trust throughout this process, my extended family who has watched me grow and have provided nothing but positivity and reassurance. My father who has taught me life does not need to rhyme or have a reason, it is all of what you make out of it that will either make or break you in the long run. My beautiful, talented, smart sister who I have had the pleasure to watch grow and will hopefully get to know more as the years go on, my mother, who is my rock, my foundation, the root of my life and the person I know I am deep down, we are extremely similar which can sometimes make us bump heads, but the days I cannot come to seem to do it for myself, I do it for everyone I love, and last but not least I would like to thank all of the amazing staff here at DSYTC, for encouraging me daily to keep pushing and always reminding me that no feeling is final.