Author: Bruce Valeriani

The person I am now versus the person I was when I started treatment are two completely separate people. Before entering treatment I lacked so many of the now obvious coping skills, traits, discipline, and motivation that I now possess. In the past I was using drugs and engaging in destructive behaviors to cope with negative emotions, self image, or anxiety. I was unable, nor willing to admit to myself that what I was doing was slowly killing me, not just physically but mentally. This behavior continued well on for 3+ years, each day getting worse and worse until a tipping point was reached. This tipping point was only reached after I had destroyed almost every relationship I had valued, almost every value and moral had been broken, and almost/nearly destroying my health. It was only after all this that I truly grasped my situation, I realized that I could not sustain, nor live like this for much longer.

It was only after being faced with the gravity of my situation was enough to motivate me to seek help. I knew I could not do it on my own, which is why I was admitted to CAMH, where after 3 weeks of stabilization I was referred to DSYTC. At first I was nervous and a bit terrified due to the fact that I would be 4 hours from where I lived, while also in a completely different environment than what I had grown accustomed to. To say the transition caused anxiety would be an understatement. But harder than the change in environment was the challenge relating to having to face many hard truths, along with the numerous different thinking patterns I would have to face head on in order to have a chance at recovery.

Upon arrival at DSYTC I was very shy and nervous, the whole situation was foreign to me, even more foreign was not being able to suppress these unpleasant emotions with drugs and other unhealthy coping strategies. The first few weeks to month was a huge learning experience, being immersed in an environment where there are people to support me, along with a drug free environment was instrumental in my journey towards recovery. Being able to tackle my issues in a safe environment was helpful as it allowed me to experiment with different types of coping strategies without the risk of relapse. It was through staff support and various groups that I learned about myself, the root of my use, along with the reasons for sobriety. It was only then that I could truly start working on recovery and all the other aspects related with it, this includes repairing relationships, re-establishing trust, building discipline, among numerous other things. Having learned the importance of the aforementioned steps has helped lay a foundation for me to work on my recovery, without this I would have little hope of being able to truly tackle my substance use.

After the first month I felt more confident with myself, my ability to abstain from drug use, and my overall self image. This was not a trivial task for me due to my lack of experience in dealing with emotions and how I was feeling. This was also helpful as it helped me practice being vulnerable with people, this was an area that I struggled with prior to treatment. Although these conversations were uncomfortable for me, It was an important step for me in my journey towards recovery. Being able to be vulnerable with people close to me will/has allowed for me to talk about how I feel in detail beyond the surface level. This inturn will help with talking/coping about various issues before they occur, and how I can deal with the feelings associated. This is something I am very proud of as I would never have thought to be able to talk about my feelings with anyone beside myself. The perspectives that staff and clients have offered me is invaluable to the way that I now see myself and the way I go about handling various situations and emotions.

It was during the second month when I started to notice the way treatment shaped my perspective of myself and my interactions with others. Prior to treatment when I was intoxicated, the only thing that mattered was me, and my ability to score drugs. Being in treatment demonstrated that I am more than that, and worthy of being happy; something I had struggled with in the past, and still struggle with however I am still learning. Treatment demonstrated that substances were just a substitute used to fill a void that I had long felt, being now able to cope better with those feelings I can truly say that I feel confident with my ability to abstain from substances. Without the help and support of DSYTC staff I honestly believe I would not have a chance at sobriety and a healthy happy life.

Looking back on the first 2 months, I realize the growth I have made, although I still have many of the issues I struggled with during my substance use, I now know ways of coping through the difficult emotions. This is one of the many things I am grateful for, as it allows me to work on myself without resorting to substances as a coping mechanism when faced with the difficult emotions and conversations associated with tackling these issues. The chief among these issues was the way I viewed and treated myself, while still present I now am in a much better place. All of the things I have learned condense down into so many different areas of my life, and I am truly grateful for this. It is at a point where for the first time in my life I truly look forward to the next day.

During this time I went on my first home visit, something I had been fearing for my time at DSYTC. Going into my visit I set various goals I wanted to accomplish, not smoking and remaining sober the chief among them. I was able to achieve these goals and remain abstinent, this was a huge accomplishment for me as it was something I did not think I would accomplish. This cemented the idea of personal growth in me. I thought that these goals would not be achieved, so achieving them was a huge win for me. Something not possible without the staff at DSYTC.

Now in the final month of treatment I have a positive outlook towards life. While I have learnt so much, I still have a long way to go. However, I now have confidence that I can achieve my goals through use of the numerous coping strategies I have learnt. I am looking forward to the future and all it has to offer now that I feel more comfortable in my own skin. I could not be more grateful for treatment and all it has taught me about myself.

T.C. is a graduate of the Dave Smith Youth Treatment Centre.